LOUISE. (pseudospork) wrote,

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An addictive personality is a trait, or set of traits, that develops in response to habit-forming drugs/alcohol or compulsive behavior (gambling, overeating/undereating, sex). It is not present prior to an addiction. One cannot predict an individual's predisposition to develop an addiction by looking for an addictive personality.

I didn't know that. I always thought it was a sort of predisposition. Honestly, I'd felt that was insinuated to me by anyone I'd ever spoken to about it. Certainly the first time I was introduced to it that's the idea I got of it.
And sometimes the first impression of something becomes your only impression of it even without any insight or questioning or research into its actual meaning. It sounded convincing, it fulfilled something inside of me, sounded good to me. That's all I needed. Then I would discuss it as my own. My own understanding, but not my own finding.

Anyhow, now I feel I have to think more on the subject. I've been thinking and speaking a lot lately about things that I have been addicted to in the past. Past as in childhood- tv, computer, internet when that came about. As I learned from a very wise man, everyone has at least one addiction. One can be addicted to anything. Does this mean everyone has an addictive personality? Based on the above definition, apparently not.
I should also add that it was almost immediately after I'd been educated by this man that I started my journey of experimentation with new addictions. Did I do it "purposefully?" Was it even conscious? Is that sequence of events just coincidence? Did I coincidentally start this journey after I'd gained insight into the reality of addictions? Or is it a product of that definition- the "personality" developing after the fact of the addiction?

Either way, I know they are not healthy. Why don't I want myself to be healthy? It seems that if I wanted it, it would be. If that isn't so, that is very threatening to what I thought was part of my life philosophy. So it is very hard for me to believe (however true it may be) that I want it and it isn't happening. That's not to say that I get everything I want, but the life philosophy component I was speaking of is that life is full of decisions. You can be who you want to be and go where you want to go. The only thing that really limits oneself is oneself. Sure there are situational elements that cannot be controlled for, but I sincerely believe that the vast majority of humans at least underestimate this potential we all have.
Maybe I want it but the addiction itself is what is preventing me. What I mean by addiction is the overall term, the idea, the essence. I am not speaking of one addiction, for example a dependence to a certain drug. That is part of what I learned, addiction comes in every form, not just drugs. It is its own entity, and it has a very real power all its own. It is a huge part of life, or at least life as I know it. Life in this culture, in this city, in this place. I do have to be careful not to blame things on culture. Culture is meaningless, we have to discover ourselfs despite it. I learned that the very nature of addiction is loss of control. Loss of control is just what I'm talking about- wanting something but being powerless to change it. I feel that I am stronger than it. If I am strong, stable, and intelligent I can overcome anything, right? This is something I sincerely hope, and it is fearful to me that this could not be true.
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