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Wednesday, March 25th, 2009
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| Time: | 12:14 pm. |
| Mood: |  frustrated. | | Music: | PANDORA. |
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http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/natural-harvest---a-collection-of-semen-based-recipes/4956212
SEMEN RECIPES ^
just in case you were wondering
__________________________________
don't you hate when your only real relationship was a dysfunctional one? and how this seems to doom you to having any sort of love success? I mean, i know i have the love to give. so where the fuck is the reciprocation? this isn't referencing anyone in particular, this is just me sitting back and reviewing my life.
if love is a human condition why does it seem to be the biggest cause of problems? we are complex but not THAT complex.. we are simple enough to have 1 shared common denominator- will to love. so why do stupid things like character flaws and neuroses get in the way? or is that even it? ahh, the world may never know.
something is missing and i don't know what.
i do know that i have been having this terrible hankering for going to California. I feel like something good will happen to me if I go there. I feel like if I don't go this year I might explode. Does this make sense?
I have been slacking on expanding my musical repertoire. I think since indie became the fashion it takes unnecessary digging to find whether or not the band is just crap for fashion sake or real originality and good tune-age. It was bound to happen, but it's strange. Think about how it used to be when there weren't this many 1000s of bands in each sub indie genre.
Maybe that's just an excuse. I dunno.
I'm just a lazy fucker i think is the conclusion I can always readily draw. At least I know how to get up in the morning now. Something I havent done since middle school. Movin on up in the world! that's me.
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Tuesday, September 2nd, 2008
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| Time: | 4:36 pm. |
| Mood: |  content. | | Music: | Sqrt(Ur Mother) - Vulpine. |
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http://ravingblacklunatic.blogspot.com/2008/07/bitch-pleaseits-back.html
this is old, yet still funny
i'm back in nyc if you guys hadn't noticed/been informed. have been for the entire summer and the end date, you may ask? well it is NEVER! i'm happy. i work for the most jewish small business owner in the world and i make decent ish money but dont get benefits! i tentatively plan to finish up undergrad starting next semester. find me around town at bars and shows just like any of my previous living locations.
love you all VOTE OBAMA
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Thursday, July 17th, 2008
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Monday, October 29th, 2007
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hi i am still alive and travelling a lot and not doing enough schoolwork and discovering new music and meeting people and loving life just giving you a check-up
RUN-ON SENTENCES
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Thursday, July 26th, 2007
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Unnecessary and unwarranted. How I've finally come to view the people who have talked down to me throughout my life. I wish I'd have somehow known that your adult life is what really matters, at least in this society. "Don't sweat the small stuff." I thought everything was big. I hadn't yet mastered how to see the complete picture. But how could I have, being just a child? Wisdom is a real thing. In baby steps I am allowing my wonderful assets to shine. I should not now focus on why now and not before. This may hinder the process by adding unneeded stress in my mind surrounding the subject. Years and years of being told I was not good enough. I believed them for so long. I just did not have sight of what is most important: being happy, taking charge of your life, and living it. Others' approval is not the goal, or the key to anything for that matter. I've always been the person I secretly knew I was. I always say that I am not a secretive person, that I am a complete open book, that you can ask me anything and I'll gladly give you an extensive response. Turns out it's because I forgot I kept my secrets from myself. I hardly ever gave myself enough credit where credit was due and it's time I started. No one can give you self-assurance. I'm glad I finally am discovering it. Letting myself. I should write a lot more often. It gives me peace of mind like no other. I just have so much going on in my head all the time and writing sorts it out for me and allows me to reflect. It dispels my creative energies. It feels perfect. And I deserve it.
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| Time: | 11:28 pm. |
| Music: | rotten hell by menomena. |
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i love that this is jim halpert's playlist. yes, jim the character.
itunes told me so.
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah – Let the Cool Goddess Rust Away
Travis – Sing
The Arcade Fire – Rebellion (lies)
The Glands – When I Laugh
Billy Bragg & Wilco – California Stars
Neutral Milk Hotel – Ghost
The Who – A Quick One, While He’s Away
R.E.M. – Try Not to Breathe
The Shins – Gone for Good
The Handsome Family – Drunk by Noon
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Saturday, January 27th, 2007
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You sit there with your blue eyes and your perfectly hand-crafted latté. You smile and I see sadness behind it.
Yearning and longing for something unattainable, confusing. Not quite sure where love begins and where sadness ends.
Envelop me with your hands. Make me feel alive, like my life has purpose. Make me feel like a woman. Make me feel desirable. Give me something. Feed me. Feed the hole that sems to resemble an open sore that never quite heals.
Hide from something. Go undercover but throw on a smile.
Let's go down into the woods and lose ourselves.
Think nothing. Feel everything.
Question the changes around you. Make sense of the world and its innerworkings.
Feel the warmth. Live it, manifest it inside your sometimes soulless body.
Come into the lavishness of it all.
Dance it off.
Know that you can overcome what tempts you. What attacks you.
Ripples of water, wind swaying cattails and ducks with circular waves following forever. Be cute, be beautiful.
Your lies can float away in this atmosphere.
You need not hold onto anything. The beautiful departure.
Leaving behind, looking forward.
None of it matters. Absolutely nothing. Your hands move me without actually touching me.
Sparking energies are a mutual thing around us, none of us realizing we feel as one. Love does not really exist. Neither does hate. A different existence.
A beautiful pain can encompass us and one must thank the gods for its resonance.
Eat me alive. Show me my past. Make me your favor, your fashion. Eat me alive.
Tingles in my toes and that half eaten piece of bread with jam blankets this bleak scene.
Ridges and grooves give it texture. Grating me with 1,000 edges. Running in place.
I feel you. Cannot escape you. In the background of my being.
Fingers along my curves. Show me yourself. Intimacy, sensationalism, deceit, hypocrisy, denial.
Live and breathe the toxins emmited from the fickle black hole.
Beautiful roundness, in motion, oscillating. Swirling up my legs, sparks of energy in my brain.
I am but a young child. Treat me tenderly, with the utmost care.
Genderless, knowledgless, propertiless.
Floating.
Clear, thin, paper-thin. Invisible, see-through, transparent.
White bursts of mold on old food. Take out your steak knife and have a slice of me.
Run inside wooden mazes.
Fall down, warm pain resonating in your head.
Squeeze something. Attack yourself. Leech yourself onto what makes you tick.
Nibble your fingers to the bone. Shine like the sun and express all the creative energy you can.
The old man in the corner bends down. You are happy. Your eyes for a few lingering moments are at peace.
Hold me in your arms until the end of the universe.
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Friday, November 3rd, 2006
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Laura Veirs - Magnetized
Slain
By your zirconium smile
I was slain
By your olivine eyes
Slain
I was lying in piles
Hoping shovels would cast me
Furnaces burn everlasting
Black tattoos of you onto me
Furnaces burn everlasting
Black tattoos
Burn
Brand my memory
Black
A tattoo of you
Wash
Me with your mouth
Brackish bright water from your eyes
I’ll homing pigeon fly
To hover by your window white and shy
Homing pigeon fly
To hover by
Spill
My ashes to the wind
Ghosts
Can gather what they’ve found
Now
We can struggle in the web
We can struggle
With white spider stars coming down
And night blowing black from the ground
I love this album. Especially this song. It's one of those short and sweet ones. And check out those lyrics.
Feeding off others' wireless is always fun and everything but our wireless (that i pay out of my bank account by the way) has been off since that october 12th blizzard. oh how fun, i love you buffalo.
i had fun today hanging out with katie kate and natasha at natasha's dorm. i descovered their dining hall sucks the least. they have a section that always has hummous!! and stuff. and all over campus they have these new hummous cups with little crackers and things to dip in it. i'm getting kind of bored of the food on campus. we do have a lot of options but i like a lot of variety.
the new maple frappucino is jesus by the way. just straight jesus.
hey when i get my pictures back from halloween and such i'll have to post the pictures. i was hulk hogan. yeah.
"real college" is definitely more challenging than MCC. that shouldn't come as a surprise or anything, but this is literally the most effort i've ever had to put into school. thought maybe it could be like mcc and still do well but there is more work and stuff. and i have to do that whole.. getting out of bed and going to my first class thing. havent been doing well at that for a week and a half.
i miss my mommy. i hope she doesnt find party remnants in the house. even though she knows i had a party. i'd prefer that she wasn't reminded of it because she doesn't like alcohol and illicit substances in her house. i understand that. she is such a good lady. she really has a wonderful fulfilling life BUSY albeit but wonderful and fulfilling nonetheless. she doesn't need drinks or smokes.
my lungs hate me
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Monday, September 25th, 2006
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| Time: | 10:17 pm. |
| Music: | the rooster moans by iron and wine. |
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okay well i'm enjoying school much more than when i last posted. i'm making friends here and there, and realizing that it's a big school for everyone, not just me. luckily i've had people from home visit me every weekend except for one.
and i'm singing in choir and chorus and singing always makes me happy. if i have the worst day or week ever singing just feels so good. not as good as performing though.. i want to do another musical very soon. i'm so busy now though.. my mom was right, i couldnt imagine having a job on top of all this stuff.
i am a research assistant in this language perception lab. the experiment needs some work but it's kind of fun to run it and it'll look nice on my resume i'm guessing.
i'm been HORRIBLY stressed though. and it's not even really because of the workload. it's not that it's small.. but i think it's other things that have happened to me recently.
and just in a state of confusion and anxiety.
i dont know how to get rid of it. and i feel worse when i do know what i could do and then don't do it. which happens too because i am blessed/cursed with a good sense of what is best for me/morally right.
i've met some quality people at parties though, which is a pleasant surprise.
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Monday, September 11th, 2006
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| Time: | 9:15 pm. |
| Music: | Dispatch. |
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An addictive personality is a trait, or set of traits, that develops in response to habit-forming drugs/alcohol or compulsive behavior (gambling, overeating/undereating, sex). It is not present prior to an addiction. One cannot predict an individual's predisposition to develop an addiction by looking for an addictive personality.
I didn't know that. I always thought it was a sort of predisposition. Honestly, I'd felt that was insinuated to me by anyone I'd ever spoken to about it. Certainly the first time I was introduced to it that's the idea I got of it.
And sometimes the first impression of something becomes your only impression of it even without any insight or questioning or research into its actual meaning. It sounded convincing, it fulfilled something inside of me, sounded good to me. That's all I needed. Then I would discuss it as my own. My own understanding, but not my own finding.
Anyhow, now I feel I have to think more on the subject. I've been thinking and speaking a lot lately about things that I have been addicted to in the past. Past as in childhood- tv, computer, internet when that came about. As I learned from a very wise man, everyone has at least one addiction. One can be addicted to anything. Does this mean everyone has an addictive personality? Based on the above definition, apparently not.
I should also add that it was almost immediately after I'd been educated by this man that I started my journey of experimentation with new addictions. Did I do it "purposefully?" Was it even conscious? Is that sequence of events just coincidence? Did I coincidentally start this journey after I'd gained insight into the reality of addictions? Or is it a product of that definition- the "personality" developing after the fact of the addiction?
Either way, I know they are not healthy. Why don't I want myself to be healthy? It seems that if I wanted it, it would be. If that isn't so, that is very threatening to what I thought was part of my life philosophy. So it is very hard for me to believe (however true it may be) that I want it and it isn't happening. That's not to say that I get everything I want, but the life philosophy component I was speaking of is that life is full of decisions. You can be who you want to be and go where you want to go. The only thing that really limits oneself is oneself. Sure there are situational elements that cannot be controlled for, but I sincerely believe that the vast majority of humans at least underestimate this potential we all have.
Maybe I want it but the addiction itself is what is preventing me. What I mean by addiction is the overall term, the idea, the essence. I am not speaking of one addiction, for example a dependence to a certain drug. That is part of what I learned, addiction comes in every form, not just drugs. It is its own entity, and it has a very real power all its own. It is a huge part of life, or at least life as I know it. Life in this culture, in this city, in this place. I do have to be careful not to blame things on culture. Culture is meaningless, we have to discover ourselfs despite it. I learned that the very nature of addiction is loss of control. Loss of control is just what I'm talking about- wanting something but being powerless to change it. I feel that I am stronger than it. If I am strong, stable, and intelligent I can overcome anything, right? This is something I sincerely hope, and it is fearful to me that this could not be true.
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Tuesday, August 29th, 2006
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so i'm a "real college" student now.
it sucks.
only because i don't know anyone or anything.
how do all these people know eachother?!
i'm so used to mcc where i know a huge amount of people. so many that there's that awkward "should i wave or not.. we know we know eachother but we're not exactly friends anymore" moment. now i wish i at least had that! at least i'd be recognizing a face that way.
well i joined psychology club, maybe that will rake in the friends. at least i have kelly and susan and bryan. and my mom called me and said my cousin goes to buff state and that i should call her.
courtney and jenna visited me and we had the time of our lives. oh yes, louise's first frat party. more later.
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Tuesday, August 15th, 2006
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these test results are SO TRUE. i love when that happens, don't you? this www.similarminds.com has lots of fun personality tests. this one was "body image personality test." you have to upload a full body shot and answer some questions. oh why oh why is it so true.
Test Results
head width 36 arm width 48 upper hips 95 head+torso 3
neck width 69 waist 93 lower hips 96 leg length 99
chest width 99 thigh width 99
*measurements are relative to your individual body dimensions
*measurements are then compared to averages yielding a 0-100 percentile
Stability ||||||||| 76%
Orderliness ||||||| 50%
Extraversion ||||||||||| 90%
Your most prominent body feature is your:
wide chest
Your least prominent body feature is your:
small thighs
Stability results were high which suggests you are very relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.
Orderliness results were medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun.
Extraversion results were very high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.
trait snapshot:
messy, disorganized, social, tough, outgoing, rarely worries, self revealing, open, risk taker, likes the unknown, likes large parties, makes friends easily, likes to stand out, likes to make fun of people, reckless, optimistic, positive, strong, does not like to be alone, ambivalent about chaos, abstract, impractical, not good at saving money, fearless, trusting, thrill seeker, not rule conscious, enjoys leadership, strange, loves food, abstract, rarely irritated, anti-authority, attracted to the counter culture
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Tuesday, August 1st, 2006
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| Time: | 10:46 pm. |
| Mood: | calm. | | Music: | iron and wine. |
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http://www.planetvids.com//html/The-Male-Supermodel.html hehe
god i love natale portman. i got Anywhere But Here along with What Dreams May Come in the 2 for 11 bin the other day. i love cute coming of age stories especially if it has natalie portman in it. speaking of which, i have to see v for vendetta. just cuz shes' in it.
i also have to see the new dakota fanning movie which, according to david ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) very_friendly has a graphic rape scene. : ((((((((((((((((((((((
it's hot as all hell today. it definitely calls for scantily clad-ness in front of the computer-ness. i want a fucking pool.
oh apparently i have athelete's foot! it hought it was supposed to be nastier than this. just two of my toes are kinda red. and they hurt and itch sometiems. i want it to go away!!!
i always seem to post my health conditions here. i think i posted about both of my past UTI's. oh yeah. one was not enough, i had two of those babies.
so yes.. i'm moving to buffalo very soon. i keep buying things that arent exactly essential for a new apt but my room is gonna look HOT. mad really cool posters and postcards and doodads have been bought. i'm so excited. i will have so much fun. except the whole.. biopsychology at 8 am thing. FUCK. but i'm excited about smoking in my room. i can be a lazy ass and just smoke. i tried that here and mommy smelled it. WHOOPS!@ but on the real, i am cutting down. because i have to sing beautifully in chorus AND choir. oh yeah, i'm doin it.
more to come.
 oh i just love this gif
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.. that's what i got when i searched for "cute!"
so.. i just realized that i signed up for lots of classes at 8:30 and 9:30 AM for the fall........ ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm and the 8:30 one is biopsychology. lord help me.
i wonder if UB is gonna be fun. i wonder how much harder it is than community college. i also wonder how the fuck i'm gonna be able to do anything with my broke ass because my mom doesnt want me to get a job for the first semester. i hate being broke. those 4 months of unemployment STUNG LIKE A BEE
i went shopping at the outlet mall an di liked it
i'm doing good in my summer class, which is statistics. this is exciting. math and me, aint the place to be.
I LOVE THAT DAVID HASSELHOFF IS ON AMERICA'S GOT TALENT. and brandy's hilarious on that show.
i've been watching a lot of nip/tuck because well, i wanted to see what all the fuss is about. i really like it, but it's so melodramatic that it turns me off.. yet mysteriously makes me want more. the medical inaccuracies get a little annoying too.. one day later and i'm completely healed from plastic surgery! i like how there's at least 2 sex scenes in every single episode though. don't you think the son looks like an alien/michael jackson? and he does this pouty thing all the time that doesnt help the situation. it's weird. and his little sister is seriously neglected because they dont talk about her and she shows her face like twice in the whole first season. ohhh child labor laws.. or something.
i think i might get into real photography. i know i have a knack for it and i'm capable of taking good pictures, i bet i could produce some nice artwork. i wish i could draw though.. i can sing, write, photograph, and dance. hahaha just jokinga bout the last one. oh yeah i'm okay at acting too. but i think it's so beautiful to just think up something amazing and be able to create an image of it with your hand. i love imagery and to be able to create it that way would make me happy.
why do i have such a good work ethic? it's not that good when it comes to schoolwork, although it's gotten MUCH better since high school. but at work i like everything clean, i like to do everything right, i like to learn as much as i can, and it feels really good to be productive.
and i will leave you with an image you may have seen before
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| Time: | 4:47 am. |
| Mood: |  okay. | | Music: | live sublime. |
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i just received the greatest information ever. while browsing the newspaper i came across the fact that there are... LABRADOODLES! i am so happy these things exist.
also, i obviously love kitties. i wanna bring cookie with me to Buffalo in the fall. i'm a little scared of next semester because i am strong but i am still dependent so much on my mother. i hardly know how to do the motherfucking laundry. i dont know how to live on my own and i think it might be a little tough at first. i'm adaptable but this is a whole new ball park. i'm really excited for it though. and bars close at 4 am there.. and you can smoke inside. and i get to study the shit out of psychology and i will enjoy myself immensely. and i'm 2 seconds from canada. the pros certainly outweigh the cons. there are many more i haven't mentioned either.
i still remember my "autie kathleen"'s vision of college that was implanted in my head when i was about 9 or 10. she said "oh it's great, you'll love college. you sit up all night and contemplate the meaning of life."
oh real college.. how long i have waited for thee. you better not suck.
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Do you want to meet him?
YES NO
Keyword Tags: 4x4's beach blues music boating body building
classic cars computer conversation educated executive far side
fine dining futurama harley davidson hiking karate live music
reading scuba sense of humor song spicy food spoiling people
starbucks tall the smell of fresh cut grass wine working out
Hi. I'm mid 40's, 6'4", 180 lbs and a single father. Just here at my daughter's urging to make friends and have my ego stroked (hopefully). I love a classy gal with a sense of humor. Not yet a star member, but if you interest me I'll pony up.
Share him with a friend:
http://meetme.hotornot.com/r/?emid=GLSRHZK
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Thursday, April 27th, 2006
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so i just made out to the whole of a live version of onelinedrawing's smile.
1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4
so put it up on your face hallelujah
and these days will all go by
anything i can do to help you through it
i just love to see you smile
faith i got faith
well its dangerous to worry so much
i should've known better than to get in your way
hey thats something
hey ya hey ya anything i can do is
hey ya hey ya anything i can do is
so put it up on your face hallelujah
and these days will all go by
anything i can do do you help you through it
i just love to see you smile
grace i like grace
and its dangerous to give in so much
i should've known better than to get in your way
hey thats something
hey ya hey ya anything i can do is
hey ya hey ya anything i can do is
so put it up on your face hallelujah
and these days will all go by
anything i can do to you help you through it
i just love to see you smile
hey ya hey ya anything i can do is
hey ya hey ya anything i can do is
so put it up on your face hallelujah
and these days will all go by
anything i can do to you help you through it
i just love to see you smile
i just love to see you smile
so put it up on your face hallelujah
and these days will all go by
anything i can do to you help you through it
i just love to see you smile
hahaha.
i sat outside with my dog and my cigarette and i looked up at the stars. and i immediately thought of powell house friends and if any of them were looking at the same stars as i was.
my life is good.
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Wednesday, April 12th, 2006
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it makes me overly sad when i see i have a missed call from a person i really wanted to talk to and then i cannot reach them
i like diet peach snapple and i like to sing
THE END
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i'm already quite morally objectionable so why not work at wal*mart WHY NOT?
well i do. HAHA.
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Monday, February 20th, 2006
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so yeah.
my life is ridiculous as of late.
i got mugged at gunpoint today. they took my only possession of any importance to me: my cell phone. those bitches didn't get my 20 bucks that was in my pocket though! they were like "bitch what you got in your pockets" and i was like "i dont have anything" and they were like "this bitch got nothin" and they ran away with my purse.
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